notes from a crowded mind

i haven’t written one of these in a while and honestly i don’t even know where to start which is probably exactly why i needed to sit down and write one

my brain has felt loud lately

not necessarily in a bad way although sometimes it is but mostly just full

full of observations and worries and gratitude and irritation and random thoughts that show up while i’m driving or washing dishes or standing in the grocery store staring at tomatoes like they’re going to reveal some great secret about life if i look at them long enough

i keep thinking i should write things down and then i don’t

i tell myself i’ll remember later and then later arrives and the thought is gone and all i’m left with is the feeling of it

which maybe is what i’ve been trying to hold onto lately anyway

the feeling of things

because life has been moving so fast that sometimes i don’t think i’ve fully caught up to it

one minute it’s monday morning and i’m boiling eggs for breakfast and the next thing i know another week has passed and i’ve spent most of it solving problems and answering questions and making sure everyone else has what they need

and i don’t resent that

i actually love caring for people

but i do think there are moments when you look up and realize you’ve been tending to everyone else’s garden and forgotten to water your own

and then one day you wonder why you’re tired

why everything feels a little heavier than it should

why you’re carrying around a sadness you can’t quite name

and maybe it’s because being a person is exhausting sometimes

i know that sounds dramatic but i don’t mean it dramatically

i just mean existing requires so much of us

we’re expected to work and care and plan and remember and nurture and survive and stay hopeful all at the same time

and somehow we’re also supposed to figure out who we are while we’re doing it

what a ridiculous assignment honestly

lately i’ve been paying more attention to little things

the way sunlight comes through the trees in the late afternoon

the smell of rain on hot pavement

the first bite of something so good it makes you stop talking for a second

fresh bread with butter and flaky salt

a kid laughing so hard they can’t breathe

the sound of cicadas screaming from the trees like they’re being paid by the hour

small things

things that don’t fix anything

things that won’t change the world

but things that remind me why i’m glad i’m here

i think that’s something i’ve learned over the years

joy is rarely the big stuff

everybody talks about life-changing moments but most of the happiness i’ve experienced has come from things so small they would’ve been easy to miss if i wasn’t paying attention

a conversation that lasted longer than expected

someone reaching out at exactly the right moment

a meal shared with people i love

a perfect summer evening

a really good book

a really bad movie watched with the right people

the feeling of being understood

i think that’s what most of us are looking for if i’m being honest

not perfection

not success

not even happiness all the time

just understanding

to be seen clearly and loved anyway

to not have to explain every corner of yourself

to be allowed to be complicated

because god knows we’re all complicated

and everybody is carrying something

everyone is grieving something

everyone is worried about something

everyone is trying to survive something

sometimes i look around and think about how many invisible battles are happening all around me at any given moment and it makes me softer

or at least i hope it does

the older i get the less interested i am in being right and the more interested i am in being kind

not in a passive way

not in a “let people walk all over you” way

just in a remembering-that-everyone-is-human kind of way

which is harder than it sounds some days

especially lately

i’ve also been thinking a lot about letting go

letting go of expectations

letting go of timelines

letting go of the idea that everything has to make sense immediately

i think i’ve spent a lot of my life trying to force meaning out of things before they were ready to reveal it

trying to connect dots that weren’t finished yet

trying to rush the story because uncertainty makes me uncomfortable

but maybe some things are supposed to unfold slowly

maybe some answers are supposed to arrive late

maybe healing takes as long as it takes

maybe people do too

i don’t know

that’s the thing about getting older

for every answer i find i seem to discover three new questions

and maybe that’s okay

maybe life isn’t something we’re supposed to figure out

maybe it’s something we’re supposed to experience

maybe the point isn’t having everything neatly organized and understood

maybe the point is noticing

paying attention

loving people while they’re here

laughing when we can

resting when we need to

finding beauty wherever it decides to show up

even when it’s small

especially when it’s small

anyway these are the kinds of thoughts that have been rattling around in my head lately

nothing revolutionary

nothing profound

just the contents of a crowded mind being emptied out onto a page because sometimes the only way i know how to make sense of life is to write about it

and if you’ve made it all the way to the end of this rambling mess then thank you for sitting with me for a while

i hope this week gives you something beautiful

something unexpected

something that makes you pause for a second and think

there you are

there’s the reason i’m glad i stayed long enough to see today